For a few weeks now, I have noticed that there may be something broken inside me. My first awareness came when I decided that it was time to start dating again. Which I did. I joined a dating site and started to meet people. I did not really enjoy the experience of using a dating site at all – it all felt a little desperate to me, however, getting to meet someone when you live in the middle of the sticks is a little difficult so I pushed on.
I got to meet some really kind and interesting men – attractive men, intelligent men, some who were both attractive and intelligent and kind. Actually – the stats were really good. Hardly any goofballs made it to the final cut – and when one is using a tool such as an anonymous dating site – those stats are really something to be proud of.
I noticed the problem probably on about the third or fourth man I met – here was a really attractive man, kind, and mentally stimulating – fun to be with..blah blah..
And I felt nothing. Dead. Empty box where my feelings used to be. It was so bad that I could not even judge my own reaction to these gentlemen. And they were all really nice guys – my intellect could pick this up – my gut however was numb.
I guess that’s when I realised I was broken. No use trying to sell damaged goods so I removed myself from the dating site.
I have got to keep some of the men I met as friends which is a nice thing and now I have to see what I can do about getting fixed.
A really good friend of mine is a counsellor and will be talking me through this – and after our first session has concluded that this is where I probably made an itsy-bitsy little mistake. Remember this post just after my relationship broke up?
Because I am a naturally positive person, and I like being in “happy” mode – I packed up my baggage too fast – shoved things away without folding them, tossed stuff in boxes and locked them all away. I really did a good clean up and returned to being happy me – and I am happy – still happy. I just have a broken feeling machine.
So now I have to do what everyone hates to do – go in, dust of the baggage, open smelly boxes and examine and deal with the rotton contents, toss out what I don’t need and neatly clean and fold what I would like to keep.
I am hoping this will not spill over into my blog too much because I am really going to try to do this in happy mode.
Another of my blogging friends who calls himself “The Idiot” is also going through a similar challenge and is working with a psychologist to sort out stuff he never dealt with a while back. He is brave enough to tell us all about it on his blog so I am learning a lot from him too. Wish me luck.
The Slowvelder 
I started to leave you a comment here but it kept getting longer and longer, so I just made a post about it instead!
You definitely aren’t alone and I’m sure any of us would be happy to help you process in any way we can.
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Ah bookworm – your post is beautiful – thank you so much. I agree – that “100% sure that you can go it alone” is so important and i am glad that I have that inside me at least 🙂
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Great post! It is great that you have a friend there to help guide you through this. I hate for you to say that you are “broken”…..that is too harsh of a word. You may be slightly damaged from all the pain of prior relationships… but you still have so much to offer that you are far, far, far from being broken. If you have met some nice guys and are alarmed that you have not felt a response to them, personally I think this is just a natural response because your defenses are up real high to protect you from getting hurt again. One you might the right guy, and it may be one you have already dated, you will see the wall start to lower ever so slowly…. and you will start to regain some of those feelings that you think you have lost. Bottom line… YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!!……. 🙂
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Thank you for your vote of confidence Mark 🙂
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Congrats on being willing to look at the ‘baggage’ and do the house cleaning. It takes courage but you’ve shown you have that:-)
Here’s an excerpt from a poem I wrote a while ago….
“I want a refund, I want to exchange
These faulty goods of mine
For something much better,
Something not battered
And shattered into fragments
Of what once was.”
Of course, we can’t exchange, just mend and make the best of it:-)
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Oh I love your poem – would love to see the whole thing.
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Makes perfect sense. Kudos to you for stopping when you realized that you weren’t “feelin’ it.” I suspect its not “broken,” just quarantined–for self-protection! When you feel properly fortified, you’ll be feelin’ it again 😉
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I was broken in a similar way a long time ago, I did not seek help and waited for time to heal the break. It did not work and I had to go to the beginning and piece by piece decide what had to be done. Some souvenirs I kept but all the old dreams I discarded finally with professional help. Hope is the basic part of the road back to oneness and belief in oneself is the other important part.
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I agree – belief in oneself is so important and i think i have lost a bit of that with regards to relationships – no matter – i will find it in a box somewhere 🙂
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I often look to people who have experiences that seem to go past my current exposure for bolstering. You don’t know how inspirational you are do you? Well it is especially the case when it’s the raw and openly expressed emotions of being human.
Life ain’t all butterflies and rainbows, sometimes it is sh*tty and smelly, like a compost bin. We have to wade through all our stuff, say farewell to the useless man-made material, keep the good stuff, what was half half-appreciated even if it looks terrible and a little off. We put it all that we choose together in a spot where we tend it and observe the decompostion process. Then we wait for nature to takes it course, it becomes something remarkable. Transformative material to add to our used, barren ground that makes for rich fertile soil and new life.
This is where we grow. In life’s compost heap. A bad thing is really a good thing in disguise.
And your post just made me realise all this right here right now. 🙂
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Good words vanessa – Thank you – I will let it all rot and dig it in for nourishment 🙂
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I think Mark ‘s comment was spot on-I also don’t see you as broken-maybe bruised-but still a complete human being-this was a brave post-you are getting the balance right!
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Thank you Andrew
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When I saw your post late last night just after a beautiful lightning-and-roar-filled Higveld thunderstorm that poured rain by the 200 litre drumfuls, I wanted to respond, as I could fully associate with what you were experiencing, having had a similar experience(s). But I did not know how. I stood in awe that someone can be so soul-bearing and honest, so publicly.
Isn’t it not nice to have a friend that will guide you along your discovery pathway?? Wow!! Give him a hug! (Assumption…if it is a “her”, she deserves one too!)
And should it roll over into your blog from time-to-time, I and all of your readers (bar maybe one 🙂 ) will be grateful towards you for allowing us to be a part of your healing process Slowvelder. I wish you great joy on your new closet-cleansing journey and look forward with you to that day (soon) when you will again be having that wonderful human stomach-turning experience when, unexpectedly one afternoon, you bump into “him”, and you just know…
You go girl!
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Thank you Higvelder 🙂 I really appreciate your kindness and friendship
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I think Mark (The Idiot)is dead on about the defenses. We all do it, yet most of the time we either forget that we built those walls around ourselves, or we’re just too afraid of the pain to want to bring them down.
You know they’re there, and when the time is right, and you feel that you can again trust people and yourself, you’ll bring the walls down.
Small steps. From friendship, many flowers blossom 😉
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You say a very true thing Tas – to be able to trust ourselves again – I think that is what I am lacking most – more even that having to trust someone else.
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I have read this post about a dozen times trying to decide what to say. I know we’re still very new ‘blog friends’ but I experienced exactly what you’re going through several years ago, during a divorce. I was caught completely unaware – had no idea that my relationship was over, until it was. I spent months struggling, jumping in and out of support groups and trying to date. I finally reached a point where I said “enough”! I took some time off from social outings, found a really good counselor that I trusted, and worked it out. I finally got to the point where I could truly be alone and not be lonely, or angry, or sad, or any of the other emotions. So, I probably don’t know you well enough to offer advice, except to say hang in there. Go easy on yourself and be as generous and forgiving with yourself as you would a dear friend or colleague going through a rough patch in life.
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Thank you Greg – its always good to hear that other people have been where you are now and have come out the otherside whole and happy.
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As others, who commented before me, I don’t think you are broken at all. You were hurt, and may still be hurting. I believe the most important part in the healing process is in being honest with oneself, and to make sure you know yourself. Good luck, Slowvelder!
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As a fellow “happy person” who tends to pack bad feelings away without dealing with them, I can relate. Man, being happy can really cause damage sometimes! Good luck with your journey.
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