For a few weeks now, I have noticed that there may be something broken inside me. My first awareness came when I decided that it was time to start dating again. Which I did. I joined a dating site and started to meet people. I did not really enjoy the experience of using a dating site at all – it all felt a little desperate to me, however, getting to meet someone when you live in the middle of the sticks is a little difficult so I pushed on.
I got to meet some really kind and interesting men – attractive men, intelligent men, some who were both attractive and intelligent and kind. Actually – the stats were really good. Hardly any goofballs made it to the final cut – and when one is using a tool such as an anonymous dating site – those stats are really something to be proud of.
I noticed the problem probably on about the third or fourth man I met – here was a really attractive man, kind, and mentally stimulating – fun to be with..blah blah..
And I felt nothing. Dead. Empty box where my feelings used to be. It was so bad that I could not even judge my own reaction to these gentlemen. And they were all really nice guys – my intellect could pick this up – my gut however was numb.
I guess that’s when I realised I was broken. No use trying to sell damaged goods so I removed myself from the dating site.
I have got to keep some of the men I met as friends which is a nice thing and now I have to see what I can do about getting fixed.
A really good friend of mine is a counsellor and will be talking me through this – and after our first session has concluded that this is where I probably made an itsy-bitsy little mistake. Remember this post just after my relationship broke up?
Because I am a naturally positive person, and I like being in “happy” mode – I packed up my baggage too fast – shoved things away without folding them, tossed stuff in boxes and locked them all away. I really did a good clean up and returned to being happy me – and I am happy – still happy. I just have a broken feeling machine.
So now I have to do what everyone hates to do – go in, dust of the baggage, open smelly boxes and examine and deal with the rotton contents, toss out what I don’t need and neatly clean and fold what I would like to keep.
I am hoping this will not spill over into my blog too much because I am really going to try to do this in happy mode.
Another of my blogging friends who calls himself “The Idiot” is also going through a similar challenge and is working with a psychologist to sort out stuff he never dealt with a while back. He is brave enough to tell us all about it on his blog so I am learning a lot from him too. Wish me luck.